So I have an idea of who “might” read these posts – as many as 20 people have looked at my blog since it started, but not so much lately and it doesn’t tell me who is looking unless they comment. I would like to think I don’t worry about what people think of me, the that’s not exactly true. I don’t want people to think badly of me for any reason. BUT… I can’t control that. People develop ideas about us no matter how hard we try to ‘please’ them. All I can do is keep my side of the street clean and realize that some out there are simply not going to like me no matter what.
I’ve been sober for 2 years as of April 30th – Yay Me! I’ve also begun to realize that certain people at the alano have started to dislike me – as always – for reasons I am not aware of. I can only be the best person I know how to be. If they still don’t like me then it wasn’t meant to be. What I Don’t appreciate is when they start talking to each other behind my back and spreading what they THINK they know about me.
I am not the ‘quiet’ one at AA meetings. I not only speak my mind and heart, but I tend to get very specific about what’s going on in my life. I have talked many times about the obsessive thoughts I was having about that man, including mentioning his name in meetings. That last part was – as I came to realize later – a mistake. Despite the fact that I usually added “none of this was his fault”, giving his name gave the people I told a target. I was sufficiently freaked out on a couple of occasions so that Someone might have assumed I was somehow a danger to him.
Mind you, I’m nearly 61 years old with both osteo- and rheumatoid arthritis, obese and in no shape to even tackle my cat, much less a healthy 50-ish man! I’m also not a stalker! Basically, I’m no threat to anyone!
One or more persons have talked to him and that much was clear when I decided to approach him to chat for a minute after a meeting. The look on his face when I walked up to him was shear panic – he looked like a caged animal! Poor guy. The sad thing is that he apparently believed someone who basically knows NOTHING about me other than what they have heard me talk about in meetings. There is really only one person (in the women’s group) has even bothered trying to get to know me to any depth. No one there knows enough about me to make Any assumptions about what I “might or might not” actually do.
Brené Brown tells us we need to be vulnerable to connect with other humans. I’ve done that in those meetings, though I’ve certainly not told my WHOLE life story. Those are the things that come out when getting to know people. I’ve never been much good at friendship. Vulnerability has only ever brought me pain, so I tend to avoid it like the plague. Being vulnerable is especially difficult for someone with BPD because it was Being vulnerable that helped cause the problem to begin with.
I own my part in this… I didn’t need to mention his name in meetings or to the various people I told about it. Curiosity is a strong pull for me – whether it’s mine or someone else’s – and I felt A Lot of it when I talked about this problem I was having. As someone once said to me, “once you put it out there, you can’t take it back.”
I don’t plan on talking to him again. I will – as I’ve been doing for several months now – leave him completely alone going forward. It makes me sad if only because we did have a good friendship in the beginning. Life turns in ways we don’t always like though.
So what does “appropriate posts” have to do with this? Some who might read this post might be offended by it as they might think I’m talking about them. That may be their own guilt talking to them, or they might just think it’s “inappropriate” for me to speak of things from the AA meetings I attend.
To them I say Too Bad! I am Specifically Not mentioning names in here. Also, I’m talking about AA as it relates to me… not them. I will say that now I am more hesitant to talk so personally about my issues – at least for now. I will certainly no longer talk about that obsession anymore in groups!