Broken Things

Tonight I went to an AA meeting. This is the first time – this time around in sobriety – that I’ve left a meeting feeling WORSE than when I went in. It was my turn to present the topic and since it was an open topic I chose comparing ourselves to others and the problems that presents.

There is someone in this particular group that I know had much the same childhood that I had – the rule was silence, no emotional displays. The child was NEVER right or good enough at anything. This person is particularly adept at voicing the challenges of our (shared but not shared) childhood. S/He was no less adept at it tonight. S/He pointed out that they have had resentments for people who are ‘couples’, especially the ones with kids, and whenever s/he sees them s/he assumes they are happy. This is my assumption too.

It has been my experience that couples do tend to be happier, are more adept at overlooking or dealing with the day to day problems the life hands them if only because they have each other to lean on.

That’s Exactly What They DO NOT SEE in people who are single.

This life is GEARED toward Couples, Couples with Children, Couples with Children and Homes… Not the Sad Sacks of us who ended up single, alone, old and despairing.

Is this a pity party?

FUCK YEAH! And I have every fucking right to have one! I am Sick To Death of hearing those ‘happy couples’ (one or the other of them) try and tell me, “Oh just wait! Life has Something in store for you too!” yeah… right…. more bullshit, sorrow, pain, loneliness, sickness, old age and death… no relief here!

I am over 60 years old and there is No Fucking Way that with this FAT, UGLY body (not to mention my oh-so-sunny disposition) I can Possibly attract Anyone I might be interested in. I’m old, they see it, and THEY don’t like it! Even – and Especially – men my age don’t want anything to do with me! I’ve effectively – literally – scared away the one I was interested in. He’s even scared to talk to me face to face though I don’t know why.

I am facing a life of increasing physical, mental, and emotional pain for which there is no relief in sight. Life after 60 does NOT get better if you don’t already “The Life” in place. I can’t even retire because I can’t live on just social security.

Fuck this shit.

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