Death wish

WARNING: If you have sensitivities when reading about suicide, you may not want to read this. Also, this one is kind of long.

I wrote the following for a creative writing class in 2000. It was not fiction though the instructor took it as such. It was the dialogue that went through my head nearly every day during the previous few years of my employment with Hennepin County. This is what it was like during the time my depression and anxiety near their worst and also during the time my PTSD was developing. It is a dialogue even though much of it was happening in my own head. Italic font is my soul whereas regular font is my brain.

It’s called schizofrantic: the last day

oh he’s so wonderful. where did I ever find such a wonderful man?
but he’s not from here ‑ where is he from? I have to ask him.
I think he’s from the east coast, but I’m not sure.
here he comes from his morning run.
I know this is our last day together and I’m so in love with him already.
I have to stop him before he can go inside – I want to spend as much time with him today as I possibly can.

{click} “today will be 68 degrees with a low tonite in the low to mid-twenties. Tomorrow’s high will only be in the mid-forti” {thump – she hits the snooze alarm}

damn
time to get up already? no. I still have at least half an hour.
God, I just wanna sleep.
c’mon, just relax  ‑  relax  ‑  go back to sleep…

{drifting off to sleep again}

“I need to shower, baby. I stink!”
“No you don’t. You smell Great to me.” she hugs him and kisses him on his neck.

{click} ”and Cheryl in the morning on KS95. “ {click, click – she turns the alarm off and the radio on}

damn I don’t wanna get up. I don’t wanna go to work today!

you know we have to.

why?

‘cause we don’t have any sick time left.

and your point?

just that. we have bills to pay. who’s gonna pay the bills if we don’t?

you keep saying that, but it never gets us going when we need to go ‑ at least not all the time. how do we get our ass out of bed when there’s no motivation to do it, especially when we feel like this?

we’re supposed to find it from within.

yeah right! you know as well as I do that we’ve never had any motivation, especially where this job is concerned! there’s no way in hell we can stay there much longer! besides, the only thing we have inside us is that pain ‑ that ache. we’ve never known where it comes from or how to get rid of it, we just know it’s worse on these mornings.

then we’ll just have to work harder to find another job so we can get out of there.

yeah, right. easy for YOU to say

{she throws off the covers, rolls over and gets out of bed, she shuffles to the bathroom for the morning constitutional}

it’s NOT easy for me to say, but someone has to keep us in line! I can’t believe we’re gonna do it again.

what’s so hard to believe? its what we do. we call in sick at least once every week and sometimes a lot more. its part of our disease. I hate that… being ‘diseased’. of course that’s how ‘they’ look at it – diseased. actually they think it’s more a behavioral problem than a disease. that’s assuming they even believe it exists since they can’t see it. too many people don’t believe a person is disabled or sick if they cant actually SEE it, and our bosses are no different – even though they claim to be.

yeah, I know. we’ve tried everything. there’s nothing more we can do.

I wanna go Home.

{bladder now empty, she makes her way back to bed, lays down and pulls the covers up under her chin. then in a final decision-making moment, she rolls over and reaches for the phone. she dials her bosses number.}

God, I hate waiting through this stupid message.
“Hi, this is Deann. I’m taking a sick day today. Hope to see you tomorrow.”
yeah right! I’d be happy if I never saw her again! in fact, I’d be happy if I never saw anyone again!

I wanna go Home.

Will You Quit Saying That! if you wanna go then just go! quit your bitchin and get the fuck outta here! just do whatever the hell we need to do to Go Home, but Quit Saying That! I’m so fuckin sick and tired of hearing it I could just scream!

but I don’t know what to do.

The Hell You Don’t! you know what we have to do. we don’t need permission from our parents on this, it’s been coming for a long time. we’ve imagined many different things we could do, many different ways to Go Home, and now its time to Just Do It!

I know, but… well… do we call anyone?

what the hell for?

I dunno. maybe to see if someone can take the cat?

No! Absolutely not! you’re just stalling again. we don’t wanna tell anyone anything. so? are we gonna do this? do we or don’t we want to go? its time to make up our mind! is today the day or what?

I’ll just put out enough food and water and she’ll be fine. no one would know for a long time, would they.

no, they wouldn’t, and that’s not important.

and we really have no reason to stay here, do we.

no, we don’t. we haven’t found where we want to be yet, and it’s not likely we will. besides, we know we’d be happier at Home

Home would be so nice, wouldn’t it.

yes ‑ it would.

I’ve tried to imagine what it’s like there, but it’s difficult.

yeah, I know it is, but nothing worth having is ever easy.

I just can’t imagine living without all the shit that goes on inside us and around us every day. now THAT would be Heaven!

that’s where faith comes in – we have to believe it will be better at Home.

do you think Scotty* went Home?

I have no doubt.

I’m scared.

I know, but we know its time, right? no more messing around.

right. I’m so tired of fighting every thing and every one – even myself, every single day. will you promise me something?

what?

promise me we won’t argue when we get Home?

you know we won’t. its better at Home and we know that. now, do we have what we need?

yeah.

take some aspirin too, so at least our neck doesn’t hurt so much.

ok.

hehe…

what’s so funny?

oh I was just remembering what our ‘friend’ did to us last year. she didn’t even know how wrong she was about what we were doing then! and now here she is, 2000 miles away ‑ oblivious to what is really happening!

yeah, there’s one we wont miss!

no doubt!

hey, do we really believe what that book says about there not being a heaven or hell?

{swallowing pills with large gulps of water}

what it said is that heaven and hell are what we make of them – and that both can exist right here on earth, or where ever we choose to be. it also said that when its time for a person to go, no one has a right to stop them.

oh –  that’s right.

{snuggling back into bed, she wraps herself around one of her body pillows}

do you think we should leave a note?

no. they already know why we are leaving, and that’s enough.
besides… its…too…..late……for……..that……..now………..anyway…..

{she drifts off into her self-induced oblivion – she has finally gone Home}

*Scotty was a co-worker who couldn’t take the abuse they dished out anymore.

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