Jenny n’ Me, etc…

So I’ve been reading Jenny Lawson’s books recently. I hope it’s ok to mention her by name in here. I want to quote some of the things she has written as they pertain to me and my mental / emotional health (or lack thereof). I wrote this today in my personal journal:

I found a passage in Jenny Lawson’s book that applied to me. As follows:

“By age seven I realized that there was something wrong with me, and that most children didn’t hyperventilate and throw up when asked to leave the house. My mother called me “quirky.” My teachers whispered “neurotic.” But deep down I knew there was a better word for what I was. Doomed.

“Doomed because every Christmas I would end up hiding under my aunt’s kitchen table from the sheer panic of being around so many people. {replace “Christmas” with any and every event my parents held – cabin or home. Hiding under the kitchen table never accomplished much} Doomed because I couldn’t give a speech in class without breaking into uncontrollable hysterical laughter as the rest of my classmates looked on. Doomed because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that something horrible and nameless was going to happen and that I was helpless to stop it.” ~Jenny Lawson’s Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (emphasis and comments added)

That is sooooo me, for my entire life! That was what was happening when Guy found me during one of the family parties at the cabin – I was inside while everyone else was outside. I think I also did this during holiday parties. I remember hiding in an upstairs bedroom at Uncle Bob’s house, usually to be found by Bob eventually. His felt more like an invasion unlike when Guy found me, though. At mom and dad’s house, I would either go to my room or to the basement… or the bomb shelter. For some reason, whenever I would make my exit, it seemed like people would start meandering around and eventually find me. It’s funny how abandonment issues developed out of such a childhood.

I do have abandonment issues… along with a whole host of other problems, including Borderline Personality Disorder. You can Google that, but know that what you might find could scare the shit out of you. Don’t worry… those are Worst Case Scenarios. We’re not All homicidal psychopaths. I mostly struggle with having relationships. In the late 80s and early 90s I lost two jobs back to back likely because of my challenges in having ‘normal’ relationships. People tend to get offended by things I say or do.

Of course it doesn’t help that as a defense mechanism to being abandoned, I tended to push people out of my life. I’ve lost some pretty wonderful people because of that.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at having started this blog, but I want people to know what I feel from day to day (or however often I end up writing in here).

I understand the value in keeping blog posts short, so I’ll end this one here.

Love to all….

Pat